Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
