well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
