good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm too high and old for this...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
