i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
