Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
