Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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