Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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