When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
