...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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