The maid of honor just puked.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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