Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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