I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I came so hard my ears popped.
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