she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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