Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
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I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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