my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I looked at my own cervix.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
