oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
