i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have aggressive nipples.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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