i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I know her cup size but not her name....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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