A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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