hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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