can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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