I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
