I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
