At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
