i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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