On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
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His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
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Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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