we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
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Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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