This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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