Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My vagina is very pro this idea
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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