My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My vagina just clenched in fear
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
