Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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