if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
