shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
