I skipped work to stalk him.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
