3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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