Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
