There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
