Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
