It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
