Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
