Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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