They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
