Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm really busy with my period
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