4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
