I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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