dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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