I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
