Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
