Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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