I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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