In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
