took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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