Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize