there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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