mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
