I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
