i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
