i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
