i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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